We made a decision…
…and our family of four is officially done growing.
Honestly, it feels a little bittersweet.
While I am incredibly excited to be officially done with birth control (Especially after our scare in December, when I found a lump in my breast.) and thrilled to not have the should we have another one and when thoughts lingering in my head, I can’t help and wonder if I’m going to regret it.
Am I going to turn 32 or 35 and long for another baby in my arms? I’ll be 29 and he will be 31 in a few weeks, is that too early to make this decision? Even if you already have a (almost) 9 year old and a 2.5 year old? If our financial situation changed, dramatically, would we both long to hear the pitter-patter of baby feet on our hardwood again?
The answer is honestly, maybe. And, in a situation like this, I think that’s just reality and perhaps the best you can hope for.
But, are these questions normal? Does everyone that makes this very permanent (relatively speaking) decision to not have anymore kids wonder the same thing?
The other night I curled up in bed next to my husband and I asked him something that has also been eating at me since we made this decision… I asked, if this relationship were to fail, for some reason (and we both acknowledged that things happen) will you hate me forever that you made this decision and only have one biological child?
He looked up at me with a serious face and told me that he has two children. TWO. Two beautiful, healthy, happy children. Two children who, regardless of our physical state of marriage, are the most important part of his life. And, no, he will have no regrets.
I crazy love that man.
As the procedure date (quickly) approaches, we both know we’re doing the right thing for our family. We know that we’re financially capable of providing the quality of life we want for our two children. We acknowledge that we have two healthy kids, who have more than blessed our lives. We also both know that we may always long for another baby, but that doesn’t mean it’s the responsible or right thing for us.
And, neither of us are opposed to adoption, if God were to call us to it down the road.
Those are the blessings we are counting.
That being said, if we’re allowed to be totally honest?
I’m feeling a tad selfish because I’m sad I won’t ever be pregnant again. That I won’t ever experience those first kicks, again. I’ve never felt more in touch with humanity, mother nature and my body than when I was pregnant. I’ll miss that. I’m sad I won’t get to experience the bonding of breastfeeding, again or the joy of laying eyes on a fresh baked baby.
I keep reminding myself that this is what is best for my family, it’s not about me.
must.keep.reminding.
Frankly, I’ll be glad when it’s over and I can’t wonder anymore.
And, did I mention it’s happening on my birthday?
Happy Birthday, to me.
12 comments
I had my tubes tied during Lulu’s delivery last week – and even though, after 2 VERY difficult pregnancies, I was resolute, I questioned myself right up until the last moment… and still kind of do, after it’s too late.
I’m 31 and *just* had a baby, so the chances of wanting another before I’m 35 or so are slim – aside from not having the money or the space for another child, I’ll be even more likely to have complications. I am open to adoption as well, so we’ll cross that bridge if we come to it!
I hope the actual procedure passing gives you some peace of mind and you can stop second guessing…
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Hi Tiffany,
I know just how you feel. What you are thinking and feeling is EXACTLY what my husband and I went through when we had to make the same decision after the birth of our third child. She was a happy ‘sort of’ surprise. I say sort of since we obviously know HOW she “happened”. I was sad when he had it done as well but also relieved. Birth control for me not really being a viable alternative and some minor issues during the last pregnancy in the end convinced me it was the right thing for our family. In the end you have made a decision that truely isn’t permanent. Notjust because there’s adoption but also because apparently these things aren’t fool proof, as my husband keeps reminding me by asking me everytime I complain of a stomach ache or sickness with his “you’re not pregnant are you??” questions lol. It will be okay.
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I had the same hesitations and thoughts when my husband had his vasectomy. We have three boys and I kind of always wanted to try one more time for that girl. I did get pregnant a fourth time only to miscarry it. At that point we were left wondering, try again or call it quits. It took us a really long time to officially decide. I too was sad about never being pregnant again. But we knew having another baby would change everything. And going from two kids to three? Trust me, it changes EVERYTHING. I still get a little sad about never being pregnant or nursing and all of those things, but I look at my very happy, very healthy children and just let it go. Right after the V was done, I felt so much better. It was done and I moved on. And yes, adoption is always there. Take deep breaths. It will be ok. I promise!
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wow…your husbands comment about having 2 kids literally brought tears to my eyes…granted i am hormonal and pregnant, but still…it’s wonderful to hear of such love. You’ve got a good one!
and we’ve discussed the big V too. this is my 3rd pregnancy (we lost a baby last winter) and DH and i know that 2 really is the right number for how we want to parent. but the thought of actually knowing we will never have another one, makes me so sad, even as i am pregnant right now and know i still get to do all the fun baby stuff one more time. i think it’s hard for most everyone.
also, my mom had her tubes tied when i was little, after having had two kids, because they knew they couldn’t afford more. she told me once that years later she really wished she could have one more, because they were in a better place financially and in their marriage, but they didn’t end up doing it. i don’t know why. so i think most of us go through this. it’s a scary decision.
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I can relate, but in a completely different way. Polar opposite, even. But, when my husband and I were told that having a biological child/children was basically impossible and we decided against doing IVF, we were left in a strange limbo. We looked into (and applied for) adoption immediately. Since then, we have been waiting for 17 long months on a waiting list at the agency. In that time, I have begun to realize that not having children really is not the worst possible thing that could happen to me. We are both very happy, fulfilled and genuinely love our life now—even without a child in it. I struggle almost daily with “admitting” it though, because I feel like it makes me a bad person or disappoints those around me. Maybe we will change our minds in 5 years, maybe not. But for now, there is peace in accepting our life exactly the way it is now. I don’t know what 5 years will bring—emotionally, financially, etc.–but I’m happy living in each moment as it comes and not worrying about making a mistake.
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We have 3 children, ages 21, 15, and 8. The 8 year old is adopted
It’s always an option. Go for the V.
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I could have written this post. We have two kids, one through IVF and one through adoption. I know financially that we are unable to try again for one more and it is so hard to come to terms with it.
All I can do is thank God every day for the little ones that He has blessed us with. ((hugs))
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i’m 27, hubby’s 28. we have 2 beautiful kids, the hubby had a vasectomy last year. i’m still on the fence about it. like right now there is NO way i could be a good mom to 3 children, i’m barely holding it together with 2! and financially, no way could we afford 3!!! but what about the next 8 years? recently i’ve tried to focus on the fact that i don’t have to worry about making that decision anymore. those 8 years i could have been worrying about adding another life to our family… i can now just enjoy worrying about the kids i already have
live our life. not have an accident either! as selfish as it sounds, it’s freedom! no birth control, no saving money for the next baby, getting a boob job 
although it hurts to hear my 4 year old ask for me to have a baby, and see my almost 2 year old hold another baby and see the love in her eyes… i’ll just do what my mom did and get them more baby dolls 
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I know what you mean about being pregnant. There are moments when I just flat out want to sob that I can’t have another baby right now. But sometimes, you have to make a decision that’s best for ALL of the family… and it sounds like you guys have thought this through.
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Well, I’m going to be 24 soon and have already made the decision for No More Babies Coming Out of My Vagina. I struggled with the decision after #2, because the pregnancy was hard, and then #3 (due in June) was a huge surprise to me and husby. This pregnancy has been even harder than I could have imagined and I am just not willing to go through that again. Adoption is already on our radar for when #3 is a few years old. So, I say that there’s nothing wrong with making the decision at 29, you’re probably more than ready to really be done.
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This decision is never an easy one. When my hubs and I went through the same procedure our “baby” was only 6 months old. She was #3 and we felt our family was complete. The not so easy part of the decision is the longing I felt recently when our son came up and ask for a little brother. While you can’t explain your decision to a 5 year old, you do find ways of reminding yourself of your decision. When/If I have a “oh I want another baby” moment, I remind myself of how nice it is to finally sleep through the night. I will also remind myself of how sick I was with all 3 pregnancies. I also get “baby fixes” by offering to babysit friends/relatives little ones to give them a much needed night out or solitary shopping trip. They appreciate it and well, I’m reminded of why we chose to complete our family with 3 kids.
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hugs!!!! I’m sure it’s a crazy hard decision to come to, but i’m praying peace for you!!!! You made and blessed the world with two gorgeous little human beings!!!
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