Boom Week. Not EFF’ing Kidding
If you haven’t heard of Kris from Pretty All True, get out from under the damn rock you’ve been hiding under. And put on your EFF’in Depends for this post. Also? If you have a thing against the F-bomb, this is your last chance to turn back.
Kris is not censored. And either is Boom Week – as you may have noticed.
Today, I’m on jet plane coming home from a seriously relaxing vacation with 14 of my favorite people.
Feeling sorry for me yet? I said I’m COMING HOME!
boo.
But seriously, I’m on a plane with a 15 month old and a two year old. It’s not ALL fun and games people. I’ll be sweating my fat ass off over Tennessee somewhere before you roll out of bed.
Without further ado – Kris.
____________________
I swear a lot on my blog.
I am pretty G-Rated in my real life, but I always describe my writing as my thought bubbles. My thought bubbles are filled with cursing. So as I sat down to write this guest-post, it occurred to me that I should check in with Tiffany.
So I sent her a message . . .
Umm . . . I somehow forgot to ask you about acceptable language on your blog. What rating are you looking for with this piece?
And got this answer . . .
Just monitor the F-bombs. But if EFF won’t work and fuck does…then fuck it.
Awesome, right?
Because Tiffany knows me a little bit. No way she thinks EFF is going to work for me.
EFF is never going to work for me.
And fuck always does.
So fuck it!
Yay!
OK, so Mark and I are fucking.
Not really, people. But I could hear Tiffany’s horrified gasp all the way over here.
Snort!
Like I’m going to write about having sex with my husband. Silly people.
Although I have written about having sex with people who are not my husband, so I have some pretty weird boundaries.
Plus also? I have an awesome memory where sex is concerned. This is fabulous for two reasons. First? Who doesn’t want to remember past sex in glorious detail? Even the bad sex? All filed away, baby. I’m a fucking vault.
Fucking vault . . . snort!
OK, and second? A person whose memory is a vault for sex? That person is not even about to lose her mind and her memory. Not that my mind or my memory were ever in doubt.
Shut up.
Anyway, the details of this long-ago sex with people who are not my husband? Crystal fucking clear. If I was losing my memory? I would not remember so clearly the way that one guy did that one thing with his thumb that was so amazing.
Happy sighs.
So really? The inappropriate writing I do about people with whom I have had sex? It’s just like crossword puzzles and sudoku are for normal people. It’s a mental exercise to stimulate my . . . brain cells.
Yeah, that’s the ticket.
My brain cells are all jazzed-up and motivated to remember sex, and by working to recall these luscious details? They are all energized and more fully capable of helping me in all areas of my life. Yay for sexed-up crazy-smart brain cells!
Although I do regularly lose my car keys.
What’s up with that, you think?
OK, I am sick and tired of losing my car keys.
So here’s my plan.
I am going to link the keys to sex.
I know! I am all geniusy!
OK, so for the next week . . .
Every time Mark and I are in the car together without children?
Blowjob.
Hear me out, people. This is genius.
Ok, so I love those blowjobby guys. Yum. So this is a total win-win situation.
Mark will be happy. I will be happy.
The keys will jingle above my head.
Synapses will be firing. Connections will be made. Associations forged.
And the keys will come to be imbued with new sexual connotations. They will exude an aura of sex! I will know where those jingly keys are at all times!
There is just nothing that could go wrong with this genius plan.
Plus also?
I am so confident that this plan will work? That’s what I am going to do with all of the little bits and pieces of my life that I seem to have a difficult time remembering lately.
I am going to just associate everything with sex!
Let’s see . . . What’s on my to-do list this week?
I need to remember to get the car’s oil changed. Oil change equals sex. That’s an easy one, people.
I need to remember to make a dentist appointment. Dentist equals mouth equals oral sex. I’ve already done my part (See keys discussion above). So this will be on Mark.
I need to remember to buy some gloves. Gloves equals hands equals masturbation. Another easy one.
I need to remember to call my older daughter’s teacher to set up a conference. Call equals phone equals phone sex. But not with the teacher, although that would be all kinds of memorable.
I need to remember to buy a pair of jeans. I like the kind that make my ass look good, so I know you know where I am going with this one.
My life?
Is about to get sexy.
And memorable.
And people?
If it turns out I forget about the dentist appointment?
That will totally be Mark’s fault.
Snort!
And finally . . . Tiffany?
This is who I am, babe.
Not EFF’ing kidding.
Fuck it.
52 comments
Ha! Awesome. You’re my new favorite blogger, Kris, although I’m afraid If I related everything in my life to sex I would forget everything.
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:31 pm
But you wouldn’t even care about what you had forgotten.
Seriously.
[Reply]
What the eff are ‘blowjobby guys’?
Rebecca recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Oh, I am so very sad for you.
Email me at kris@prettyalltyrue.com
I will clue you in.
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Ack!
kris@prettyalltrue.com
Fucked up my email address.
Annoying.
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Rebecca! You actually emailed me! That is so awesome. I am reproducing my email response to you here so that others may learn. Snort!
Rebecca -
You are so silly.
Let’s see.
Are you familiar with the basic blow-job?
Or is an actual tutorial required?
I will assume some knowledge.
Blow jobs just sound so full of work to me.
I like giggling and silliness and goofiness where my oral sex is concerned. And I do like oral sex. No way am I going to be thinking I am doing a job every time.
Jobs suck.
Ok, that made me giggle.
So to me?
A “blowjobby guy” is just a blow job made silly and casual and fun.
And silly?
Does not suck.
Except it so does.
Snort!
Kris
Rebecca Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Of course I emailed!! I was uber intrigued by this ‘blowjobby guy’
Thanks for the explanation. Although a video tutorial would have been a nice touch.
Rebecca recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Someone needs to tell Tiffany to max out the comment depth on her posts.
I need to go deeper.
I always do.
For heaven’s sake, how do you think I remember to clean the filters in the air system?
Filters = dust.
Dust = furniture.
Furniture = bed.
Bed = sheets.
Sheets = closets.
Closest = secrets.
Secrets = family.
Family = babies.
Babies = diapers.
Diapers = Target.
Target = shopping.
Shopping = frustration.
Frustration = tension.
Tension = crankiness.
Crankiness = arguments.
Arguments = make up sex.
See? That is totally an easy way to remember things!
How brilliant are we?
Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted..The Birth of the Points
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:33 pm
You could not possibly be any more perfect, babe.
I love you.
Remember that.
Snort!
[Reply]
Rebecca Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:34 pm
Hahahahahaha!!
Rebecca recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
[Reply]
Megan (Best of Fates) Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:46 pm
One day? I decided to marry you. But then I couldn’t find a freaking ring your size and I got all nervous about the proposal and I felt in a giant hole with an angry groundhog and just never got around to it.
So…. that’s why we’re not together.
In case you were wondering.
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:49 pm
Wait!
Is this proposal intended for Lori or for me?
Come back here!
[Reply]
Lyddie Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 8:11 pm
I think I am going to wait to see how this turns out..
Mommylebron Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 11:22 pm
Cake meet icing…
*happy sighs*
And bonus ice cream?
FTW!
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 11:42 pm
I know, right?
This is going to be awesome.
[Reply]
dying. laughing.
I think I’ll try this exercise too!
jess; [the bottle chronicles] recently posted..Our Inspiration- Our Muse
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Let me know how it goes.
I’ll make a note here to ask you later.
No way you will remember to check back in with me.
What if I promised you sex?
Snort!
[Reply]
Where were you when I was taking Pyschology of Memory in undergrad? THIS is way better than the bullshit the prof used as examples when lecturing about mneumonic devices.
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:45 pm
Exactly.
Fuck that bullshit.
Oh, ewwwww.
Now I am never going to forget your professor.
[Reply]
Except I can’t spell.. That’s mnemonic devices.
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[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Oh, I HATE when I make a mistake on someone else’s blog and then I can’t fix it.
Like my email mistake above.
Taunting me.
Annoying.
[Reply]
Between the copius amounts of coffee and needing to piss REAL BAD, I was fucking lost in space with the Muppets until I got to the blowjobby guys part and I zoned in and completely followed along.
And then Martha Points steps in and fucking knocks this shit out of the park with probably the most incredible comment I have ever seen. I would love to see the two of you mind wrestle. Naked. In a vat of Ben & Jerry’s, por favor.
I still have to piss, by the way.
SurferWife recently posted..Happy Hour and a Celebrity Encounter- A P0rnographic Update
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:51 pm
Lori?
I am so up for this naked mind-wrestling in ice cream thing!
What do you think?
You wouldn’t mind an ass-kicking, right?
Because I could so take you.
[Reply]
Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 1:00 pm
Ok, you are a delicious wrestle-worthy treat, yes indeed. But, darling, I could pin you under one boob. Think about what you’re getting into.
Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted..The Birth of the Points
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 1:08 pm
MIND-WRESTLING.
In my imagination?
I can take you.
I so fucking can.
Bring on the boobs!
Sure it starts off all fun and games. But then you have to remember you boss.
So you sleep with him.
But then you have to remember to go to couples therapy.
So you sleep with him.
And then you have to remember to see your lawyer.
So you sleep with him.
And we all know where this ends.
Syphilis.
Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..How To Steal A Car A Not-To Guide The Sequel
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:54 pm
And then there are those sad syphilitic explanatory phone calls.
Hello?
Ummm . . . there was something I needed to tell you.
Yes?
Hold on. Let me just switch the phone to my other hand. Hold on.
Yes?
Just a second. It will come to me.
SNORT!
[Reply]
I really, really want to live inside your head for a while.
Also, I am trying this sex memory thing. I actually have a pretty good memory, but this would be way, way more fun.
TripleZmom recently posted..For Ironflower
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Mostly, being inside my head is lovely.
And then there are flashes of horrific terror.
And then I am all forgetful.
And I giggle.
Snort!
[Reply]
You are a genius! Equate everything to sex! Awesome. And naughty, too. And then throw in Lori’s logic and it’s sheer perfection.
I think I have my money on Kris. I don’t know why. Lori seems too sweet to win at naked mud wrestling.
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[Reply]
Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 1:22 pm
You are totally not helping here, you!
Don’t let her think those things.
I am a tiger! A nasty ice-cream wrestling snarling bite-where-it-hurts tiger!
Plus I am totally hot in anything catsuit-like.
Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted..The Birth of the Points
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 1:30 pm
I have a little bit of knowledge about Lori’s skills.
And she is not sweet.
At all.
She has you all fooled.
And she speaks the truth, by the way.
She is totally hot in a cat-suit.
Meow.
[Reply]
Natalie Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 1:41 pm
Well, I’d like to find out just how hot she is! The boobs will be showing right?! I don’t mean nekkid boobs, but they will be on display right Lori?
Natalie recently posted..Giving Back- Getting for Free- and A Guest Post!
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 11:56 pm
Boobs in ice cream.
Guaranteed.
oh. my. lawd. this is amazing. the way your mind works *blows* me away.
crap.
Grace @ Arms Wide Open recently posted..wordless wednesday- friendship
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 1:30 pm
I am so very happy to have blown you . . .
away.
Ahem.
[Reply]
This is brilliant. Write the steps down (in detail! Horny detail!) And turn it into a book. Quickly. So Oprah can feature it in her book club because this is something she would TOTALLY be into.
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Snort!
I try to avoid all Oprah books. I hate a cheerful bandwagon. Ick.
But a day on which my book is featured and I get to choose the free gift that the audience finds beneath their seats?
I might be willing to consider that.
I will give everyone a helpful little memory tool.
Buzzzzzzz.
Oh, yes.
That would be awesome!
[Reply]
Kris, if it’s possible, I think you’ve outdone yourself.
Off to spend some quality time free associating…
CDG recently posted..Trapped
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 2:36 pm
Happy sighs.
I do like to be outdone.
As long as it is by me.
Love you.
[Reply]
Genius!!
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 4:12 pm
Oh, I do love a genius call-out!
Thank you!
[Reply]
After stalking Ian across the Interwebs today it seems strangly appropriate to stumble into you here!
My hubs is a mechanic and he is always offering to “check my oil” all leering lips and smarmy eyebrows!
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 5:03 pm
Smarmy eyebrows?
Swoon!
[Reply]
Omg I’m dying now. I thought my key hooks were the best way to remember what I did with the keys.
I was so wrong.
I read parts to my DH. He also liked the idea. I will have to work on this.
Oh and watch out for Lori’s cat-apult. She will get your pumpkins before you know it.
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 7:29 pm
I have seen Lori’s pussy assault.
I am prepared to do battle.
[Reply]
I have seen Lori’s pussy assault.
I am prepared to do battle.
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 9:46 pm
Apparently, I have seen that assault twice.
Snort!
[Reply]
Well there were a lot of pumpkins
[Reply]
Kris Reply:
December 3rd, 2010 at 10:13 pm
Hee hee!
Lori’s neighbor is nuts.
[Reply]
I was right there with you … until …
“so I love those blowjobby guys. Yum.”
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