Wanted: My Chi.
I’m not the woman I thought I would be at this age. Have you ever thought about your 17 year old self? I mean really thought about that person. And what they would have said if you would have asked them to describe themselves at 27?
Are you the person you would have described?
We’re all friends right? So, let’s be honest. Let ME be honest…I’m not happy with the person I’ve become. Mostly, because this is NOT the person I would have described.
You see, whether I am capable of saying it out loud or not, I’ve spent the last year in a bit of a coma. Some of the lowest lows of my life have been introduced to me this year. And, needless to say, I unfortunately didn’t make it out of those situations the same person. I have spent the last year trying to pull myself out of depression, self loathing-ness, anxiety and fear.
It’s fair to say I am not living my life to “the fullest.”
But, really? What does that mean? And are you the person who determines what the “fullest” is for you?
The last year of my life has been busy. And, to the average observer, I’ve been actively living it. But to the person going through the motions…it has been a passive and distant experience at times. I’ve not been the engaged mother that is always energetic and positive. I’ve not been the dedicated employee even, which is crazy. I seriously freaking love my job. But the last year, I’ve spent dealing with depression. Living with anxieties that didn’t exist. Trying to decide if I was losing my freaking mind or if I was just having a “moment”.
Silently, of course. God forbid I tell the whole world I am crazy.
Wait… Shit.
The last year I’ve neglected being an active partner in my marriage. I’ve gained 20 pounds. I’ve literally fucking crammed food down my face in an effort to induce a coma on my emotions.
It is safe to say, I am NOT the person I thought I would be. And the mere thought of that, only digs my hole deeper.
I’ll be honest with you… I have no freaking clue how to get to that person, right now. As it stands, I still have bouts with anxiety and depression. I still feed my emotions. I still lash out and get moody. I still haven’t find my chi. I literally spent three months going to crystal sessions. I spent countless hours talking to her about my energy. My body. My “chi.”
I’m no more closer than when I first begun.
The person I always pictured myself being at 27 looks something like this:
- Healthy. Not effing Jillian Michaels, but healthy. I could stand to lose 40 (OR MORE) pounds people! Let me just say it…I HAVE NOT MISSED ANY MEALS WHEN DEALING WITH DEPRESSION. It’s obvious.
- Active. Part of being healthy, for me, is being active. I am an athlete. God has given me two very useful and productive methods to blow off steam, clear my head and find my chi. Writing & exercising. Combined, I am mentally and physically healthy. Right now? I’m neither.
- Organized. Ask anyone. I consider myself organized. Except right now? Right now my mind can’t organize shit. Right now my mind is always floating off into areas of mopey depression or irrational fear. You can’t focus on organizing cabinets when you’re feeling lousy about yourself in the bathroom. And, unorganized cabinets are not good for my chi. It’s lame, I know. But, it’s me.
- Focused & dedicated. These two? They primarily go with that job I SO love. The last year hasn’t been the best for me & that job. And, while it remains one of the things I am most thankful for in this world, I have neglected it some. And, I’m ashamed of that.
- Faithful. In some ways this year has brought me closer to God than any other year of my life. In others ways, I have allowed my inactivity and depression to overtake my commitment to Him, thus, leading to more inactivity and depression. It’s a cycle.
- Happy. I really, truly, miss this person. Anyone who has known me for more than a few years has always thought of me as someone who is energetic, loud, talkative and happy. Right now? I’m not sure any of those words describe me. I’ve transformed into someone I don’t recognize.
Someone I don’t love.
Which is probably why I dont’ make this person get off her fat ass and quit stuffing her face. Why I don’t make this person stop starring at her desktop and DO the work she is so very good at. Why I don’t really take in the moments I play with my children. Why I don’t grab their cheeks and breath in their youth more often.
Where did that person go, friends?
And more importantly? How do I get her back?
How can I get back to a place that I desperately need to reach? When I know exactly what it takes to get t here? And I feel like I’m treading water in my mission?
And, where do I even being?
This post, brought to you by Eat, Pray, Love. In has left me longing for more in my life. And, obviously, you don’t have to live in Calcutta to find meaning…so I am going to be soul searching through the world wide web. For your satisfaction. Obviously.
This should be fun…
47 comments
Maybe the person you are searching for is not there. Maybe b/c of all that you have gone through, the person you are to be is just different, waiting for you to realize her. Oh, and you know that we are never fully evolved…right? Life is a process. We are always changing. Life always seems to have a way of making this change happen. The only thing that is permanent is change.
That was pretty philosophical of me…kinda wish I could blog it out. Oh well. I will just invade your comments
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(This comment is brought to you by a Buddhism class I took in college.)
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momnom Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 9:18 am
Thanks dear. I accept the fact that the person I am picturing isn't there in entirety, because life happened, and most of us will never be the same. However, those things that I can take responsibility for and can do something about – I need to stop making excuses and do it.
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mommyhoodatthirty Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 10:40 am
I agree. It's so easy to get caught up in just being and not working towards bettering yourself. I find myself in those funks all the time. Like right now I'm looking for a new teaching job and even though the school year is about to start and it will be stressful to make this change so quickly, I know that my current job is not making me happy and I need to change that. It's such a leap of faith to take this responsibility and change what we can.
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I have not had the trauma that you have had.
But the rest? I totally could have written.
Somewhere I got off course and now I have no idea where I am. I hate that. I want to pull myself out of this rut but I'm not sure how.
I just went back to work. I'm not sure if that's the solution or a distraction.
I guess time will tell.
Hugs to you.
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momnom Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 9:19 am
I think we get thrown off course throughout our life, but realizing we're not where we want to be & owning up to the fact that we can actually do something about that – are both hard and real. And, no matter how many times you say that you need to do something – you almost have to hit bottom before you really are ready to dig yourself out of that hole. I, have hit rock bottom. & I'm honestly excited to start working my way back out…
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these words? were me 2 months ago. I think i even wrote something similar. I am afraid it will be me again as soon as the busy-ness of back to school starts.
it's so easy to lose ourselves in this world of being a mom. for some reason EVERYONE comes before us.
I look forward to your soul searching…not for entertainment, but for guidance myself. I whole-heartedly hope you find your chi.
And now excuse me while I put Eat, Pray, Love on my To Read and To Watch list.
Hugs. Muah!
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momnom Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 9:20 am
Even if you don't read the book. Watch the movie. Even if it wasn't based on someone's experience, it would be worth the watch. You leave feeling refreshed and motivated and ready to more full experience life.
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i can relate to you on many levels. Especially the anxiety/depression. The past 2 years since my son's birth have been very difficult in these areas. I SO often think, I want my old self back! I get so discouraged that I am not well and it's a vicious cycle. I think FOR ME, what must happen is a self- acceptance and being OK with the "new me." These trials and experiences we go through really do re-define us and we come out the other side completely new and different and changed.
Many times in ways we don't like.
So i'm right there with you. It's so hard to love ourselves when we don't accept who we've become. You know? I don't know if any of this makes sense.
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momnom Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 9:22 am
It totally makes sense. And, for me, part of the change, is accepting that I may never be the person I pictured at 17, but I can learn to love myself and live fully with the life I've been given. I'm certain we can do this together…all of us.
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(((hugs!))) You can do this!! You can easily make this post your goals and thats a good place to start! At least you know what you want to improve-. You're not alone either, I think everyone goes through a 'life reevaluation' at some point. Many prayers to you and your family. You CAN be that person you want to be- a perfect stranger has faith in you
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momnom Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 9:22 am
Thank you! I am really starting to believe it. Which, is half the battle for me.
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Great post, and I totally understand how you feel. I look back on who I was in college & even in high school and miss that girl. I LOVE who I am as a mom – my kid is awesome, and I know he's awesome because I'm raising him exactly the way I wanted to, which is a pretty great accomplishment! But there are so many things that I miss about the way I used to be. In the next year, I'm going to work harder on changing that…
Btw, I just got Eat Pray Love from the library, so after I read it I'll let you know what I think!
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momnom Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 9:23 am
That was it exactly – I was starting to really miss being that person.. So full of energy and life and bursting at the seams with love. I am longing to find that person and for the first time, in a long time, I am actually starting to believe she still exists. Thanks Karen!
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Anxiety, depression, chronic pain, guilt, oh the guilt. who is this person I see on the other side of the mirror, I don't know here. But I do know, I must find her, or a version of her that will provide the peace, happiness and love I so deseperatly need right now.
Thank you for being honest, for sharing your heart, for being open.
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No seventeen-year-old can picture what you've been through. It might be time to let go of your seventeen-year-old-self's vision.
Something to keep in mind: while your writing does help you process things, you also are helping others. So maybe add "caring" and "generous" to the list of things you ARE.
Also, when you get to the other side of this, and you WILL, you will be immensely rich in experience and able to help other people get through it too. I know you'd like to trade that "rich experience" in for life the way it was, but you can't, so the best thing to do is incorporate that into who you are.
xoxo, stark. raving. mad. mommy.
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momnom Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 9:26 am
Thank you. I couldn't agree more. I do feel like I can still find asects of that old self…and incorporate my new self…and really find balance, happiness and peace again.
It's all part of the journey I guess. And, for the first time in a long time I feel like I am actually doing something for myself. Even if it is small.
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From these comments, it seems you aren't alone, and I agree with everything you wrote, maybe not to the extent you've been struggling, but everyone struggles, especially moms.
Does that help, knowing you are not alone in feeling lost in yourself, suddenly realizing you aren't who you thought you would be. But maybe you should accept who you are, what this past year has led you to, and work from that. Don't fight it, embrace it. That might be easier than trying to change everything you have become. And once you embrace the new you, you can slowly make changes in the direction you want to go.
Focus on the good in you, look at what you have overcome and accomplished, even with all the hurdles that have been thrown at you!
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momnom Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 9:27 am
I was amazed to see the response and how many identify with the thought of losing the person they thought they would be. It was comforting to read and know that together, in this journey, we can find the person we all want to be. Or, at least hte closest thing to it. I think my experiences will help me be more than I could have even imagined at 17. But first, I have to be intentional about changing the things I can.
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"groceries, if you would just move all that crap outta your head…God would RUSH into you in ways you never could imagine" Richard from Texas
"sometimes losing your balance for love is part of the balance of living" Ketut Liyer, 101 or 64 years old, he can't really remember
attraversiamo…let's cross over…
I feel where you are because I've been there…sometimes still take short visits…and it is the hardest thing I've ever done…but, like Liz does for Tunsi, today I dedicate my Guru Ghita to you…today I will see you happy, laughing, energetic, filled with joy.
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momnom Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 9:30 am
I literally could feel your energy beaming into me yesterday…and I've added you to my prayer list as well. Yesterday was so amazing. I felt a new zest for life and energy that I thought was lost. I mediated last night for the first time in YEARS and YEARS, and I focused on that first quote – and asked God to let me clear my head and heart so He could rush into it. So I could be seen as a body of Christ…and I could let love fill all the gaps.
I have to say, it's working.
Thank you.
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This is such a hard thing in life. I take medication for depression, which helps, but I still have the visits into the land of depression. I know I'm not who I thought I would be, which sucks sometimes. The best thing I ever did was let those around me know what was going on. The support helped me more than anything.
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momnom Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 9:32 am
Thank you for sharing Amy. I guess this public post was my way of acknowledging to the world, that I am not content. And, I hope it is the first post in a series of posts that are ways of working toward finding that balance and energy that completes the circle. If that makes sense….
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I have definitely been in your shoes the last not-quite year. But how strong of you to recognize you want to make a change. I agree with some of the other comments. Maybe who you thought you would be at 27 isn't who you truly want to be. But if you're not happy with who you are now, take some time to explore!
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momnom Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 9:32 am
There are things about me now that I really truly appreciate…but like I said, there are some areas that need changed. And, for the first time in YEARS and YEARS I actually believe it's possible.
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Hello lady…
I'm not going to pretend even for a minute that I know what you're going through. No one can. You seem to have narrowed down what it is about your life that you want to change. When you're ready for that change it will happen. Everyone has times in their life when they feel like they've lost themselves. It's usually because the person they were has changed. You may need to let go of who your 17 yr old self thought your 27 yr old self should be. I mean seriously… 17 yr olds are the dumbest creatures on EARTH. You made a list of achievable things. Stop worrying about what you're eating, and focus on what's eating YOU. Something is holding you back from the life you want and deserve. I think I know what it is… but here is not the place). When you send that issue packing, everything else will fall into place. Besides, I think you're awesome… and that's all that matters. Big bosomy virtual hugs all over you.
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momnom Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 9:34 am
I agree – when you're truly and honestly ready for change, you make it happen. And, that's where I am. I thought I have been here before – but I've never felt like this. I'm praying this is it – and I can go down this road of self discovery and happiness for real this time.
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Aw, Tiffany. I hear you.
You know that I'm an old expert on life turning out very, very different than I had planned. I also know all about trauma (though I have not experienced anything as devastating as Bubs's terrible accident) and the recovery.
You know how, sometimes, when a person is very severely injured or ill, they will put that person in a coma? The body needs to make a FULL STOP so it has time to heal. That's what your mind has done. That's one of the things PTSD does. It's a pause; a rest.
Why am I telling you this? I'm gearing up to be very bossy with you.
While you are working to change this, I want you to keep this at the front of your mind: there is NO guilt. If guilt or self-condemnation comes into your thoughts, remember me, kicking your ass and telling you that YOU are the daughter of the divine. Better, think of what you would tell Bubs if HE was feeling guilty for a single one of his feelings.
Not only do you deserve no guilt, but it only complicates things. You won't heal because you are hard on yourself. Love and kindness heal. Guilt, harsh treatment, and punishment do not.
Alright, bossiness and lecturing are over. Love you!
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momnom Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 9:36 am
Oh, thank you for this comment. Really.
I feel like my body did shut down during the hard months of PTSD. And, during the shut down was when I identified for the first time that was suffering in ways that my other family members were not. I, somehow, experienced those moments differently than everyone else – I guess because I am the mother.
And, now, I am just starting to feel my body come alive again. I am just starting to feel like I have the power and strength to really being energy and love back into my life, fully.
It's an amazing thing really. Something I've SO longed for but never felt. Apparently, it wasn't time…but I believe it is now.
XOXO
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I consider you a friend as well. Thank you so much for that. I feel the support beaming through my computer screen and in some weird way, it really does help. The prayers and thoughts from friends across the country and world are felt in every moment of every day. It's amazing.
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Talk about taking the words from my mouth…
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momnom Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 1:11 pm
I love hearing that I'm not alone…and that we're all trying to figure this out together. xoxo
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Tiffany – you give a voice to feelings a lot of us have to some degree. I often feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the grind and like I'm missing a piece of me. I feel like I'm just getting by, and I barely have time to stop and smell the roses. Often I have to remind myself that happiness is a choice. It's a decision you make not to be weighed down by the heavy stuff distracts us from what matters most in life, our children, our relationships with others, God included. I think we'll all get there, and being conscious of your state of mind is the first step. Love to you!
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momnom Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 1:12 pm
I agree. Happiness is something we choose. And, I am making an effort to choose it daily. =)
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Just read this and my mouth is hanging open because I can relate on almost ALL of it. Except that when I read your title I thought you had lost your hair straightener. My almost 1 yr old doesn't sleep well at night so, you know, I have moments. Anyway, I don't have any answers or advice for you, but just know you are not alone.
Lindsay
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momnom Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 1:12 pm
Ah, yes, I love my Chi. And, yes, I probably would blog about it if I lost it. LOL. Good luck finding your balance dear. Let me know how it goes!
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It's funny… I read through these comments and nearly every single one is a person saying how this is EXACTLY how she feels. How can so many women be living their life this way? I'm not saying that I'm not- because, as is evident by me own recent blog posts, I am trying to get my life back on track. Back into a more positive perspective.
But can anyone really KNOW what you are going through? You're life is yours. Mine is mine. I struggles with something different that you do, I'm sure. But they're struggles all the same. And that's where we, as bloggers, as women, can connect. And share. And counsel.
I wish you all the best on this new journey. And I urge you to pray. I wholeheartedly believe that God can give you the peace you're searching. It's easy to run from Him when we're hurting. But embrace Him even more and your life will shine even brighter.
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momnom Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Oh yes, God and I? We go way back on the prayer list. So He's been a big influence in my choosing of happiness. LOL
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Are we the same person??
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momnom Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Maybe? Do you like ranch or bbq sauce on EVERY-FREAKING-THING? Cause clearly, that will be the determining factor. LOL
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OK well I am late here because today has been crazy (party planning, you know how it goes).
I had this moment in May. After going to NC and taking pictures and talking to people, experience something fun and exciting. Only to come home and cry in the shower. I was just unhappy. My body. My habits. My mind. My role as a wife. I mean I already knew that part of the issue was PPD. But there was more. So I started therapy, I started Nutrisystem, I started scheduling time to write, I started playing music to dance to with sophia. I plugged into my life. And while it took more work than I would have ever expected it to take…truthfully….I find myself feeling MORE myself every day. The myself I wanted to be.
I have become a super scheduler. Sophia is just like me and THRIVES on a schedule. So I schedule outtings, I schedule shopping (which is pretty much a work out as well lol), I schedule time to write, I schedule time to craft. I schedule my showers (because let's face it…it's hard to be a sexy wife when you haven't showered today). I even scheduled wife time with the husband. And it has opened up what our life could be like. It's made me happier, it's made our life better. I still have a lot of work to do to be the me I thought I would be….but I can tell you…it's totally possible with some work to get there!!
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momnom Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
I thrive on schedules too. Organizing is key to balance. and balance is key to happiness. So, as I figure out a way to find my balance, while organizing my life – happiness just happens. XOXO
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Life is a series of evolutions. At seventeen I was one guy, a different one at 27 and then again at 37. Now at 41 I see change is just around the corner again.
Sometimes it is a bit disconcerting, but I think that is far more normal than people realize. The question isn't whether you are who you thought you would be at 17 but who you want to be now.
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momnom Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Great points, and I agree. That being said, I am not who I want to be now. And that is where these changes really start to matter, ya know?
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TheJackB Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 2:26 pm
Well it sounds like you are on your way to making the changes you want. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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You have written things that I have been feeling for the past year and a half. I look forward to following you on your journey to a better place. I hope to do the same.
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momnom Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Thanks Veronica. I am so happy to have people like you supporting me on this journey. Jump in and join me when you're ready.
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yeah. just, yeah. and i'm staring down 40. shit.
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