The Secret Sadness of Being a Mommy.
11 months. A WEEK, tomorrow, Bubbette turned 11 months old. I am just now getting around to addressing it.
I am not prepared.
I am not prepared to be 27 years-old, with a one-year-old and a 7 year-old.
I am not prepared to lose my baby to the monster of toddler-hood.
I am not prepared to potty train. I like my diaper-clad behinds.
I am not prepared to say goodbye forever to the drunken glory that is infancy & baby-dom. I like my world all crazy faced with chubby cheeks and dimpled thighs.
I know I have blogged and tweeted to the end of the earth and back about the heart parts & how they just know that we are done with babies. And we are. We really are.
But friends, can I tell you a secret?
My heart is hurting. My arms are feeling the weight of the emptiness. I see someone breastfeeding and my breasts ache in longing. Apparently my mind forgot to tell my heart. And I am left here unprepared. Unprepared for the inevitable.
When my baby turns ONE next month. That is it. Game Over, friends.
I am left with empty arms, watching them grow up, all too quickly, before my eyes. My teary eyes that can quite make sense of the feelings I am having. The same eyes that have watched them come into this world, that have watched them memorize the lines in my face, that have watched them in the glow of the nightlight for countless hours, that have memorized every curve of their cheek as they breastfeed in the night. These eyes have memorized their every movement…their entire being.
These eyes are sad. These arms are heavy. This heart is anxious.
When my baby turns 1, I will celebrate. I will throw her the best party a momma knows how. I will spend the day smiling and hugging friends and carrying around my growing babe. I will spend the time preparing my heart for the afterparty…for reality.
For when all the guests leave & the candles are all blown out. And the shattered cake is cleaned…
I will weep.
For me. And for all the mommy’s who have gone before me.
For the mommy’s who have hung up their infant arms. And sold their infant seats. And watched as their babies became toddlers.
And I know from experience, that there is nothing more secretly painful to a mother’s soul, than to say goodbye the miracle of that first year. But I always had the dream that someday there would be another first birthday. And now that it is here, and there are no more birthdays to be had, the realization is a heavy burden.
I will write a letter to myself & it will start, “I regret to inform you, there will be no more infants.”
_____________________________
My dearest Bubbette,
You and your brother are my world. Do you know that? I love you with every ounce of my being. Every breath in my body, is for you. And I know in my heart that the two of you will do amazing things in the future. But just know my dearest, that if I hold on a bit too long for your liking, or rock you just a few more minutes, that my heart just can’t take the pain & my mind won’t let me shake the reality, that my babies are growing up.
And the time, it just keeps passing….
Love always,
Momma
47 comments
aww i understand completely. my baby is turning 2 in a few weeks, so i sympathize. doesn't seem so long ago i was feeling the exact same way. sending you big hugs.
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I know how you feel. My oldest is 11 and I have 2 more years before she becomes a teenager – only 7 more years until college. And like you, my babies are about to turn 11 months old. I already dread what you are talking about here. Already done it twice with the older two. It makes me sad to think how fast time goes by and how I wish I could slow it down.
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Seriously, it goes so fast! My youngest in going in to Kindergarten. That is a BIG move and I'm so sad!
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I’m 28 and my baby is 7 too. I want a baby in our life so bad it hurts. But me n hubs are struggling with secondary infertility so right now, we wait. I understand your longing for another little person to hold and watch grow. Focus on the positive – that you have a sweet little toddler for the next 2 years! P.S. Love reading your blogs.
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That is such a hard thing to think about. I really have no words because I don't want to think about the day that I will not have any more babies. Hang in there girl. Hugs your way!
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Although it's sad to say goodbye to infancy, it's wonderful to embark on her future and watch her explore the world around us. And you can look back when she's 27 and think, "Damn I did a great job"
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agreed and I can't help but snuggle every second I have . . . and he is only turning 5 months.. but I think… we are almost half done with babyness
(
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Totally made me cry on this one! I have a little girl and the husband doesn't want anymore babies. She's going to be 4 and all the baby is gone and she's a little girl…I looked at a picture the other day and thought, "When did that happen? When did she become a little girl and not my baby anymore?" It's like I blinked and it happened. So I feel you on this one…it's breaking my heart!
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That is really sad. It hasn't hit me yet, but I know I will miss my baby when he turns into a big boy!!!
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Whitney. Whitney said: RT @MomNom: New Blog Post: The Secret Sadness of Being a Mommy. http://bit.ly/9ChWGp [...]
I've got about a month and a half before my baby hits the big "1." I am totally feeling your pain. The first year is truly the hardest and the sweetest and the one you miss the most. Hugs.
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That was so beautifully written.
I remember- with a clarity that hurts – standing in church and watching my bff from college in the row in front of me with her baby when my baby was 4. It was as if a wave of realization suddenly washed over me – I won't have any more babies.
Just as you so eloquently described it. I knew – logically that we were done – but it's just like you said – the heart doesn't necessarily listen to the head.
Thank you for writing such a great post – it is comforting to know others have felt the same kind of heartache.
Cate
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Ugh. Thanks for making me cry. My baby is almost 8 months and we don’t plan on more babies. I’ve been trying to keep him a baby for as long as I can but I know it is inevitable. I’m dreading it. I love my baby so so so much.
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what a sweet, sweet post. & yes, tears brought to my eyes. and it's a perspective i've never even thought of. sweet thoughts to you…
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Another reader brought to tears. My little one is 9 months old & it hits me now & again that she isn't 9 weeks old any more. Beautiful post Tiffany.
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Oh my goodness, I'm almost in tears. Mungee turns one next month as well and I don't know if we will have any more children. I feel like being immature and sticking my fingers in my ears and saying "La la la la la, I can't hear you!!!" as if you were reading this aloud to me. It goes by way too fast.
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cried my eyes out after J turned one – i'm still amazed at the little person she has become…just amazing. i'm just happy i stopped every once in a while (not often enough though) to take it all in.
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I know exactly what you mean. As my little girl turned 3, my heart hurt too. BUT, I would say that there are also so many things to look forward to. IT is AWESOME as they learn to talk and communicate to know their heart. My baby boy is now 17 months and he gives me the best knee hugs and kisses. Something that I waited forever for. There's much fun to come. I promise.
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This post is exactly why I want another baby! I love everything (well, almost everything) about the baby stage. Mine are 16 mo. and almost 3, and I am already longing for another one. My husband thinks I'm a little bit crazy, but I just can't help myself. I love having babies!
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Beautiful post! YOu are certainly not the first, last or only mommy to feel this way. The heart and the mind can be so different, huh?
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This touched me. I've felt the same way. Where I'm already missing the baby stage, where the big milestones of the 1st year are behind us. I get sad for the same reasons, but then I look to the future and all the fun we'll have with older kids, and I think as time goes by, maybe I won't miss it so terribly. Although, it's probably not a good sign when I look at my 15 month old and start thinking about grandchildren….eventually, there will be another baby in my arms.
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i am dreading 0ct. 23rd. my heart is aching just thinking about it. :::sigh:::
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Very well written! I can totally relate as our youngest is 10 months old right now. Our daughter is 27 months old and we had this same feeling before our son was born. This is a post I want my wife to read as well since I know she can relate to the breastfeeding. I know breastfeeding, in particular, has given her a closeness and a bond that is hard to break. Aren't we just lucky to even be able to feel this sadness though? I can remember not long as my wife and I thought we'd never be able to have children and here we are missing their infancy. Our babies may not be babies forever but guess what?? We'll always be their Mommy and Daddy's. How cool is that??
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Oh your post made me so sad
My baby is almost 6 months and the time has flown by. I cannot imagine her turning 1…I am going to miss the baby stage…I already know. But you know what? They will always be our babies. Nothing can change that. I hope. This is my first so I don't really know. I suppose all we can do is be present every day and thank our lucky stars that we were blessed with children. Good luck to you, my dear.
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oh you verbalize this SOO well. This is JUST what I went through 3 weeks ago when Eddie turned one. My heart was so full of joy, pride, and grief. I totally mourned my first baby. my buddy. my little bundle. I'm crying all over again thinking about it. he is such a big boy now! I love him so much and am so proud, but where did the baby go? how does it go so fast?
Hugs to you, momma. I know you will need them!
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It makes me sad when I realize they are soon going to be too big for me to carry or hold. Makes me almost want another. almost. Hang in there momma!
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Babydom sounds awesome. I haven't spawned yet, but I'm the oldest of six, and toddlerhood? Yipes.
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Touching post. You certainly have a wonderful way with words- I was so touched, I found myself caught up reading posts and posts and even more posts of yours. Thank you, and I look forward to hearing more
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Thanks for the tears lady! Sheesh. Hugs though, ugly cry hugs even.
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I was just sitting here, thinking about writing my 10 month letter to Addison when I decided to click over and see what you've been up to… and thanks for making me cry! Since the moment Addi was born, I've tried to take in every second of it because it's gone so fast and now, in two months, she'll be a year old. You said (beautifully) everything that I've been thinking in my heart… hugs to you!!
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We always say that we are done having kids, but last night I was watching television and there was a newborn who just melted my heart.
My baby boy will be eight months old this weekend. He is still immobile and seems uninterested in crawling. I am so okay with this, because I know all too well that he will crawl, then walk, then run. I'd be fine with him staying small for ever.
You will have a beautiful time at her party. Then you'll cry. It's required.
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what an awesome post. this really truly describes how we as mommas are so often torn by our emotions. It's hard. i didn't realize the impact of the change with my son. (now almost 2) but with my next one i will have the perspective and relish the babyhood more.
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This exact feeling is what got me 4 babes. I have to say though…I am cured! I no longer have that aching feeling when I see a pregnant women or someone breastfeeding. I actually whisper to myself. Thank GOD it's not me. LOL But I totally know that feeling!
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Bless your heart. I sooo know how you feel. I raised five and now I am into the NanaHood phase of life. It's great. Please visit me at http://www.nanahood.com and link up. I'm knew to the Friday fun stuff and could use your help! Blessings to you and yours, Teresa
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We plan on having one more and I know that when he or she turns one, I will feel the same way. But, there is wonderful things to look forward to as you know, so all you can do is concentrate on that and enjoy it to the fullest.
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SO touching – and I'm sure as you enter the second year you'll love it just as much, but maybe in a different way.
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My daughter will be one on the 24th and I'm not prepared either.
I'm your newest follower from FFF. Can't wait to read more!
<>< Cassie
http://www.amazing-cassie.blogspot.com
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It's crazy right? I'm 29 and my oldest is 10. My third wee one is 16 months old and we're done. This was the third infancy I mourned the loss of and it's different each time. This time though, knowing there will not be a #4, makes it a little rougher. So I just snuggle her extra and hold on to her wee little chubby hand as tight as I can. <3
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liv just made 10 months. she is right behind your baby. i am SO sad. i'm sure i'll have another baby at some point in my future but THIS baby, my first baby, is almost gone. not gone, she'll be here, just grown up. its hard to swallow. it happened so fast. how the EFF has it almost been a full year? i feel like i'm going to blink and she'll be 15.
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I just blogged my daughters one year letter that I put off for 5 weeks. I can totally relate!!!
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Beautifully written. I am sad too, my baby will be 18 months this month
It's our first, so I am hoping for more, but it is still sad. I am 'prolonging' this infancy with extended breastfeeding! I think neither I nor she can let go, through this winter and then we'll see. 
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So sad. I'm not ready for the last first birthday either. Lord willing there will be at least one more in our family, if not two. This is a great post!
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what a beautiful post, I can so relate as I was not prepared for the empty nest, I wish I had documented all along the way, cherish every moment
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[...] I’ve told you 50 importantly useless things about myself, and we’ve talked about sex, or the lack thereof. I feel like I’ve given you my heart. And I’ve shown you my raw emotions. [...]
So sweet and so true!
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Beautifully written and described here. My twins are 22 months old, and my stepdaughter is 11. We had a stressful beginning to life with the twins, but they are doing beautifully now. I met my heart daughter when she was two, and much as I see my little ones as they were in NICU and right when we brought them home, I see my young lady as a cherub face two year old like she was when I met her. Father Time is not kind, he does not go slowly, but he gives us precious memories that we can share as life goes on.
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[...] did not craft the beautiful title above, and I did not write the post to follow, but the mom who did is obviously experiencing many of the same emotions that I too am [...]
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