The Pirate Sword
My dad bought my five year old son a completely inappropriate sword for Christmas two years ago. (Bless his heart.) A fully engraved handle with skulls and crossbones, feathers and leather straps, a black leather case - the works.
Did I mention it’s sharp.as.hell.?
My husband and I did what any logical parent would do – we hid it. Afraid to pitch it and stab the garbage man in the process, afraid to trade or sell it for what others might think, we found it a home on the UPPER-most shelf of our bedroom closet.
A pirate sword.
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My husband has been out of town for just over a week. And my anxiety ridden ass has been rockin’ and rollin’ – no anxiety here, nothin’ to see, keep movin’.
Until Tuesday night. When I was shaken from my slumber to hear the dog growling downstairs. Not barking, not whining – growling.
Obviously, I did what anyone would do - I grabbed my cell phone and ran to the end of the hall by the kids rooms. I dialed 911 and held my finger on the send button…and waited…
Twenty minutes passed.
The dog was still growling…but no noises were heard – at least not ones recognizable to the human ear, right? My mind began to race & I went for it.
The sword.
As quietly as a grown woman can jump for a pirate sword in the top of her master bedroom closet, I managed to pull it down, without waking the kids OR cutting off my fingers.
I carefully pulled the blade out of the case…and I was a changed woman!
Suddenly…
I was a bad-ass. With a pirate sword.
I slinkered down the hall way, all cat like – sword pulled back – using all the skills I acquired during the hours I invested in Pirates of the Carribean. As I made it down the stairway, I noticed the growling perp…standing at the top of my basement stairs (the door was shut). I made sure the phone (still at my fingertips) had 911 on the screen.
I was prepared for war. I was prepared to fight. My basic instincts kicked in and momma wasn’t messin’ around. I hesitated. And then I knew what I had to do.
I had to go downstairs.
Carefully, I opened the door. And suddenly, I was overcome with “bad-ass.” Self-talk: If anyone comes near me – I’ll hit send – and throw my cell phone up the stairs. Riiigght.
“Alright asshole! I’m coming down! I’ve got a…(I hesitated)”
“I’ve got a SWORD! I’ll stab you! Get the hell out of my house!”
As I slid down the stairs, I carelessly waved my power sword toward the openings in the stairway – daring said intruder to grab my unprotected ankles. I bounded to the bottom of the stairs and waved my sword chaotically through the darkness to the light.
“Come on asshole! Let’s do this!”
Note: Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. Seriously. Waving a heavy ass sword and threatening harm to anyone who comes near you is seriously empowering. A major rush.
I flicked on the light and stood there. I’m not sure if I was disappointed, shocked or relieved. But I was frozen. I checked out a few more corners – mostly because I was having fun at this point.
And then, like a beaten dog, I put my tail between my legs and turned back to head upstairs.
I’m not sure if it was the adenaline or what, but as soon as I laid my head back down on my pillow…I began to ITCH. Everywhere!
Aw, great, hives. This adrenaline gave me farkin’ hives. GREAT.
So, I grabbed my sword. And my cell phone. And I headed to the shower. As I passed the alarm clock I noticed it was 2 a.m.
In the shower, my mind took over. I began to replay every horror movie I’d ever watched. All the ladies, in the showers, as their intruder came in for the kill.
So, I did what any adrenaline junky would do – I began to threaten – again. (AKA – talk to myself.)
“Come on jerk, I’ve got a sword – bring it.”
(Shower. Shower. Shower.)
“I dare you asshole. Bring it on.”
(Shower.Shower.Shower.)
As I turned the water off – I dressed quickly and headed back to bed. Sword in my right hand, phone in my left.
2:20 a.m.
Exhausted from a night of protecting my family from intruders – the public relations professional in me thinks…
Headlines read – Woman Kills Introduder with Pirate Sword – Circa 18th Century.
Needless to say, I called my sister-in-law the next day for a sleepover. I can’t be doing this pirate stuff every time the dog growls.
ARRRRR!
33 comments
This was hysterical! Note to self: buy pirate sword before next time my husband goes out of town…
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Oh my gosh, so funny… but seriously I would have been freaking out too… especially in the shower!! Who knew the pirate sword would be so handy?? Love it!
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bahahaha. i would have peed my pants…and then had the thought to grab the pirate sword. so why was the dog growling?? does for shits and giggles??
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Oh my gosh… you are so funny! I can’t say that I could run downstairs when and if my dogs started to growl when my husband is out of town…but that’s obviously only because I don’t have an 18th century pirates sword.
But what I can do now that I am a mom? I can protect my little baby from bugs. They used to freak me out, but now, I can swat at them with my bare hand and kill them on the first try (right before I run to the sink and run scalding water to kill any bug germs). Being moms makes us all sorts of powerful
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This is awesome. I can’t stop picturing the potential murderer right outside your bathroom door, deciding it’s not worth it because you’re obviously either insane or wielding a sword and sneaking out of your house to try someplace else.
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Love it! When my husband leaves for his two weeks next month, I will remind him to get out our sword (because we have one too, and no, it’s not a pirate sword, it is a medieval sword, like the one Arthur pulled out of the stone) from storage!
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OMG, this is one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read. Love it! Glad you didn’t have to use your mad sword fighting skills but at least you know now that you could if you had to. I follow you on twitter and don’t know why I haven’t been following your blog but as of today I am. I look forward to reading more posts.
Have a great weekend!
Carly
http://www.WordyOwl.blogspot.com
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OMG this is the funniest post ever! I’m glad you didn’t have to use your mad sword fighting skills but at least you know you can in case the need presents itself in the future.
I follow you on Twitter and have no idea why up to this point I haven’t been following your blog but I am now. I look forward to reading more posts.
Have a great weekend.
Carly
http://www.WordyOwl.blogspot.com
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Ok, this was funny, but what was the dow growling about? My dogs do stuff like that and I dont know if I should yell at them or thank them for “protecting” us with their “I’m barking/growling at nothing”.
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You are adorable. I am alone ALL. The. Time. I know how your mind can play tricks on you! I have never taken it to this extreme, hilarious as it is… But there have been some occasions where I wished I had a pirate sword.
FYI – The visuals in my head were hilarious! Great post!
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That is so much better than my usual plan of pulling the covers up over my head and pretending that there is no noise!
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Once when I was home alone, my dog started barking at 2am… And I DID call 911!!! Thankfully no intruders, but you can never be too careful!
great post!
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OMG…..that is the funniest story EVA!
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You are the Queen of Positive Self Talking!
Also? Pirate Sword? WANT.
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I’ve had a night or two like that when hubby is away… except I’m swinging a bat or a kitchen knife.
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ROFLMAO!!!! seriously hilarious!!! Funny thing is that I could totally see ME doing that LOL
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You are much more ballsy than I am. When I hear a noise, I Lock my bedroom door, and just hideout scared as shit in my bed. I think I need a sword.
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You are my hero. My total badass pirate hero!
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Hee! When I read the part about you going in the basement, my first thougth was “Don’t go in the basement-haven’t you seen any horror movies??”
I hate being home alone at night. It sucks!
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I need one of those swords! I live in the middle of nowhere and my hubs is gone 3-4 nights a week. This would definitely come in use! However, I’d be the crazy bad ass chasing after a raccoon or something outside thinking it was an someone trying to break into my house.
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girl i nearly pee’d my pants….i’m glad u didn’t encounter anyone or thing…i think they may have giggled right along w/all of us!
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This was a great story to come home to after a crazy day! Oh, I laughed so hard!!! My kids were swarming trying to figure out what was up. Thank you!!!
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oh man i just woke my sleeping baby up from laughing so uncontrolably hard! this is sooo funny and sounds like EXACTLY what i would do. i have a mini-mariners bat next to my bed. its no sword but i think it would do the trick!
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Bwhahaha! You are QUEEN BAD ASS! seriously! I thought I was slick with the “combat” moves I’ve learned, but those would have NOTHING on your pirate sword.
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This may possibly be the best post ever! Thanks for sharing.
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Hilarious! I would NOT have taken a shower, however. Brave pirate woman, you!
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I did something VERY similar w/ a baseball bat this past week when husband was gone. Turned out it was my cell phone vibrating that set the dog off to begin with but it felt so good to be such a bad ass for a few moments!
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Duuude! I loved swords when I was a kid. That would have been an AWESOME gift!
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I have to tell you,I am the MOST paranoid person you will ever know. In my house, we have no men. Just myself, my mom and my kids. None of us are strong enough to really kick ass. If our dog barks or growls at the front door or at all during the night, I get the heaviest thing in my room (which is my mirror that sits on my dresser ha!) and go towards where the dog is barking. I’m always a chicken s hit shaking in my boots as I walk, but I’m always prepared with my killer mirror. LOL A pirate sword would have been SO much better and SO much more threatening than a vanity mirror that weighs a lot.
http://theartsymom.tk
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That was hilarious! Thank you so much for the laugh. I really needed that this morning!!
PS. Anxiety can be a real bitch but didn’t you feel so much better that you had a friggen real pirate sword
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Duuude! I loved swords when I was a kid. That would have been an AWESOME gift!
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I gotta get me a sword now!!! There are funny posts and then there are the ones that have your hubs asking you "what are you reading?! have you lost your mind?!"
This goes in the latter category.
LOVE LOVE LOVE you.
(sorry, goin through your archives and lovin it.)
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I cant stop laughing!! you ARE a bad ass!! I would let you protect my family any day
Lauren @ me&mine recently posted..mom
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