Let’s Get Real. Part II
If you missed the beginning of this story, it will serve you well to go back here before reading any further…
I remember sitting in that suddeny foreign family room and hearing people talking and crying, talking to me, nonetheless, obviously I wasn’t paying attention and thinking wow, I’m a mom. I am seriously a freakin’ mom.
I know some people may read 19 and think big deal. But I will be the first to admit – I was NOT ready. I had broken up with my high school sweet heart. “Bebeh’s daddy” was my “rebound” that turned into a relationship. And, to be honest, I don’t think either of us honestly thought we were going to be together much longer. It was a relationship based on fun – and fun, was honestly what we had. (Again, with the obvious.)
We were young.
We were stupid.
We thought we were in love.
We had sex, so we had to be in a relationship, right? I am pretty sure I am not alone here when I say that NO girl, in her right mind, wants people thinking she has sex with people she isn’t planning on marrying. At least not in this sleepy little conservative town.
At the time, I was away from home, in college. I was rowing – a collegiate athlete – and livin’ the dream. I was partying with friends (again, duh.) And I was looking into studying abroad. I was NOT looking to a) get pregnant b) get married c) settle down.
Now, I know most of you are thinking…then why were you a) having sex & b) not using protection. Trust me, I have asked myself these same two questions over and over. And the only conclusion I can come to is this. I was destined to be mommy to this little man.
I am not ashamed say out loud that I am pro-life, and I was prior to finding out I was pregnant. I know that the life pictured above exists because I took responsibility for my actions. I had voiced my pro-life opinions in high school and college and when it came time to make that very, scary choice, I made it, without hesitation. I am proud of my faith and I am not afraid to say I believe in what I did. (I also believe in the beauty of adoption should keeping the child not be a realistic option.)
I stood alone in my decision to take responsibility for my actions & God blessed me with my best friend. (I was fortunate that “bebeh’s daddy” did not mention the A-word for fear of me ripping his eyes out of his head and karate chop throat punching him for good measure.)
Wow, that was a LONG sidenote, eh?
Now where was I? Oh, yes…
As the crowd began to disperse, I found myself alone with my mom. I remember thinking, Oh, god, please don’t leave me with HER. PLEASE. Mom was still in shock, it was very obvious. Her blank stare, her frghtened eyes…but she managed to sit me down and have a life altering conversation with me. Moms. They really are amazing.
For the first time, she wasn’t talking to me like a child, or even a young adult, we was rationlizing with me as an adult. Because, well, lets face it…regardless of if I was ready, or if I even wanted to be one, I was now an adult.
She pleaded with me and she was vulnerable. Something painful to recall now. I imagine it is because I more thoroughly understand what happened to her in that moment. I now understand the sadness, fear and worry that struck her heart so heavy, so fast.
Through her pain and shock she recognized my fear and stubbornness. She said, plain and simple. Don’t do this. Don’t run off and marry him because you think it’s the right thing to do. Don’t think this will make everything okay. Stay here. We will make this work. You can finish school at a local college, I will help you. You can have the baby here and your friends and family can support you. And, when you graduate from college, if you are still with him, you can marry him – and I will pay for the most lavish wedding you have ever seen. Two wrongs don’t make a right Tiffany. Let me help you.
I don’t consider myself a rocket scientist, by any means. But I do recognize a good offer when I hear one. And somehow through her pain and shame and fear, my mom knew just what my heart needed to hear. It amazes me to hear stories like this. Stories of women, stepping up to the plate to do or say something miraculous and amazing, while their own heart is breaking.
In that moment, I was finally able to show my mom just how frightened I was. How the shame was taking its toll on me and I was losing a battle with depression. How I couldn’t look anyone I loved in the eye because I felt like I had let everyone down, including God.
How embarrassed I was.
Satan had moved into my heart — and I wasn’t sure he would be leaving anytime soon. I wasn’t sure I could do this.
The pregnancy proved to be too much for our already faltering relationship. And, my decision to stay with my family and not move to the military base was the straw that, I believe, broke the camels back. I spent the next few months learning how to be a friend to my mom and not just her daughter. We spent some days walking on egg shells and others laughing and looking at nursery sets. Emotions ran high. Looking back, I think she was constantly afraid I would run off and make the worst decision of my life and Iwas afraid she would change her mind and abandon me.
And then, one sunny afternoon, bebeh’s daddy called to tell me the news.
“I am being sent to Iraq. We are going to war. I will be the first of the ground troops to arrive and I won’t be home for the birth.”
Now, don’t get me wrong. We had some SERIOUS fights. We still do. But this was not the news a six month pregnant woman wants to hear. NOT the news at all. I mean, seriously. SERIOUSLY?!
To spare you the dramatic details - he left. And we were just friends, if you would even call it that. The pregnancy was long and hard and full of emotional highs and lows. And then, one day, my blood pressure reached record numbers and the hospital decided to keep me.
We spent the next few hours working with the American Red Cross to get in touch with bebeh’s daddy. It took hours and hours to relay the message. And, as the doctors began to rush me down the hall for an emergency c-section due to fetal distress…I heard my phone ringing in the room behind me. Effing, great. Go figure.
(The birth story is a post all its own. But lets just say I don’t to ANYTHING the EASY way.)
The next six months were one part fear and one part exhaustion. Bubs was the single most awful baby of all time. I’m talking screaming and whining like something on National Geographic. This child came into the world full of piss and vinegar and had no intentions of settling down anytime soon.
And then the baby blues set in. I can’t imagine why, right? And the next three months were spent glued to CNN, walking around my parents home bouncing this little person who was to call me mom, and pleading with someone anyone to come walk around with him. I was, in fact, going totally BSC. I often laugh and think of the baby on “Look Who’s Talking” starring up at his grandmother and thinking She’s lost it, she has totally lost it, when I think of the way I must have appeared to Bubs in those first few months. No wonder the kid screamed all the time, right?
There were no phone calls to Iraq at this point in the war. No internet, no bases. We wrote letters, circa WWII. We passed notes across the globe with pictures and stories and empty promises. Bebeh’s daddy finally met our son when he was six months old. I drove 12 hours with Bubs to greet him when he got off the bus. It still felt surreal. How could I? Be doing this? Right now? I would say to myself over. and over.
We quickly realized there was no happy ending for us. That we were friends, if that. We had a child and we would make it work. And it is fair to say it has worked.
Years past. And it was three yeas later when I finally met the man I would raise my children with. I wish I could tell you I washed my hands of men in uniforms, but oddly enough, the day after our first date he told me the news…
he was being sent to Germany for a year with the Army. And all I could think was, WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY DO I KEEP EFFING DOING THIS?
47 comments
Awesome story. We also got pregnant before vows. Lucky for us we are best friends and love each other. I think our moms are related, or at least go to the same church. I had to make the phone call to tell my mom and listen to the shock and “oh justin…” dissapointment in her voice. Everything has a purpose, and at no time was the A-word as u call it mentioned. I like happy endings!
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I am LOVING this story!!
A-word scares me too, my parents mentioned it…once. They didn’t say it again at all.
I LOVE happy endings – your little man is so adorable! Although, he isn’t little anymore haha! Soon he’ll be bringing home girlfriends
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You mom’s “pep” talk totally brought tears to my eyes! What a great mom
I’m sure it was horribly hard going through that, but what awesome results! Great story!
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Wow, what a fantastic story! You have a wonderful mom, it sounds. I admire you for taking a stand on your beliefs.
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This is such an interesting story, thanks so much for sharing. That must have been such a difficult time in your life. And I can’t wait to hear if you moved to Germany!
p.s.~ I hadn’t heard of Dooce until like a week ago, so don’t worry, you’re not alone! I actually find all of that “who’s famous” stuff so interesting – I mean, I’m really into blogs and theatre, so often I’ll be talking and be like, you know that blogger, or that famous theatre actor, and the other person’ll be like “um… who?” And I’m like that when it comes to even insanely famous sports people, so it’s weird how some people are considered “famous” but really everyone’s just known within certain circles and niches.
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I love that you are sharing your story! You mom sounds like a really strong, smart woman! I’m glad you had someone to turn to during a difficult time.
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I am soooo glued to your story. I just started reading your blog thanks to Morgan at the 818 and this is what I entered?! You’re fabulous at those cliffhangers! Can’t wait to read the rest!!
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Hi! Stopping by from Friday Follow. I am now your newest follower. Please stop by my little corner of the bloggysphere when you get a chance! I am co-hosting an amazing fundraiser and you could win a week in an Orlando Vacation Home just for donating!!! Plus lots more goodies are being auctioned off.
http://www.fivemonkies.com
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Following you over from Friday Follow!
Stop by and enter my giveaway:
http://extremepersonalmeasures.blogspot.com/2010/05/eco-friendly-peter-rabbit-organic.html
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What a fantastic story. I loved reading every word. And what a gorgeous son you have now. Well worth it in the end.
Happy Friday Follow. I am now following you on GFC as Thrifty Canucks.
Check my blog out here
http://thriftycanucks.blogspot.c
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sorry, the om was left off my blog address
http://thriftycanucks.blogspot.com
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So, this is my first Friday Follow and what an amazing, beautiful story to read on my first day in discovering new blogs. Just simply amazing. And you, my dear, just gave your mom one of the greatest Mother’s Day Gifts ever with those sweet words.
Beautiful.
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Aren’t moms awesome. Now that I am one, I wonder if I will live up to the wonderful mom I had. Thanks for sharing this story. Can’t wait for the rest!
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Ok, I almost cried at my desk at work at 4 different points in that post. ESPECIALLY every time there was a picture of Bubs thrown in there for good measure. Thank you for sharing your story and I cannot wait for the 3rd installment.
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Just stopping by from Friday Follow to check out the blog! Come follow back if you get the chance. Have a great weekend!
Diane
http://www.turning-the-clock-back-blogspot.com
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i’m quite vocally pro-life as well. kudos.
and piss & vinegar made me lol.
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What a great post. So much honesty…thank you! I am a new follower from Friday Follow and would love a follow back:)
http://therempels4.blogspot.com
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Visiting from Friday Follow.
We now follow you publicly through google friend connect. Please visit Mom to Bed by 8 and do the same.
http://momtobedby8.blogspot.com/2010/05/friday-follow-1.html
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Just recently found your blog. Thanks for sharing…your honesy is refreshing.
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Thanks for sharing!
Visiting from Friday Follow……..
I’m your newest follower-
Have a great weekend!
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Can I just say that I love your mother? Because I do. I want to give her a big, fat hug and just tell her I love her.
My sister got pregnant at 19. She’d been raised by my grandfather for reasons that are too long to go into here. Anyway, he told her she’d be getting married. She assured him she would not. It’s the single most wise decision she has ever made (and I don’t, in general, think she’s very intelligent). So, I support the single moms. My mother WAS one, which might be a more fitting story for here.
Anyway, I love your story. Thanks for sharing it!
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Wow Tiffany – thank you for sharing your story!
Definitely a perfect at-home-on-a-friday-night-read! Brought a tear to my eye!
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Wow! I just found your blog through Top Mommy Blogs and I must say, I came right in time. I must confess I have not yet read Part I, but part II definitely kept my interest! I will be back!
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What a beautiful story! Must have been the scariest thing ever, and yet what a happy ending…
Your mom’s talk to you is inspiring. That’s what mom’s do, right? Put their feelings and fears and anger aside to do what is right for their children. Love it!
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Love this, what a story… I love the intimacy in your writing style!
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next segment please!
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I love your story – I have often wondered about you and I being so close in age but your son being so much older. Thank you for sharing all of this with us.
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What a great story! Thanks for sharing!
Your are a great Mom and a strong woman!
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[...] (http://mom-nom.com/2010/05/05/gettingreal/) and then more about my poor mom losing her mind here- (http://mom-nom.com/2010/05/07/getrealpart2/). And then you can read about my Post-Traumatic Traumatized self here [...]
Beautiful. Amazing. Inspirational. All of these words come to mind when I read this post. Wow. God is so very good.
I am visiting from the blog party, and just had to drop a line when I read this. I enjoyed it greatly!
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I love the relationship with your Mom. Moms are amazing!
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Love it.
I had tears.
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Thanks for sharing your story. I was sixteen and madly in love with a 21 yr old college student when I got pg with my oldest daughter. Were married five years, but youth and immaturity got the best of us. I have now been married for 17 years to the love of my life. We have three children, including twins and my oldest daughter is now married with a 3 yo and one on the way! My ex and I are still good friends. I think that if we had married later on in life, we could have held it together, but then I wouldn’t have met my dh nor had my three beautiful younger children. Abortion was never an option for me. I know it is for some people, but thankfully it wasn’t for me.
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Officially laughed and cried…well done!
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[...] days I feel very reflective, inspirational and thankful. On those days you will find me giving thanks to the Lord and praising the heavens. And [...]
[...] – blended family. But, that’s what we are, right? I mean, I did get knocked up and I kept the kid before my husband even knew [...]
Military Men. You just can’t choose who you love!!
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Your story made me tear up. I applaud you for ALL of your decisions. And your son is adorable!
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Thanks for writing this, so raw and true.
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I love your openness in sharing all of these details. I too became unexpectedly pregnant (except I was much, much older, and much, much more mature- I was 20. Roll eyes here). I can relate to you so, so much. I have yet to be able to put all I went through out there, though I've been working on the posts. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences!
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It is so wonderful how your mom supported you and helped you through this time. What a blessing. I can't even imagine the level of stress that you were under during this time.
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[...] basically, I got knocked up. And I kept the baby. But like life always does, it threw me a major curve ball and shit got crazy. Really, really [...]
Your mom is awesome. As hard as it wouldbe, I would make that same offer if my child (Heaven forbid) ended up in the same situation as you. I respect your choice and your mom for helping.
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From 1 pro-lifer to another I say thank you for not only making the right decision, but for also stating so publicly.
You’re awesome!
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[...] have prepared me for the ride he would take me on. He has filled my world with so much joy and love since finding out I was pregnant. And he continues to be the person I think of when I say, best [...]
This? Is beautiful.
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I’ve been following you for a while and just found this post. I’m crying at my desk right now. It’s beautiful. Your mom? Amazing. You? Strong & Powerful. I’m really impressed by your strength & want to THANK YOU for talking about it.
MomEinstein recently posted..Inca-Chaca-ZUMBA
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