Many of you know of my recent efforts to live more intentionally, more fully.  It is going so well.  Seriously, shockingly well.  My life is a-changin.  My outlook is different.  And, my  body is morphing. 

I’m finding myself  planning my days more fully.  I am  eating healthier,  working out more,  spending more time with my family and less with my phone and computer {sorry},  getting active and enjoying this blessed life I have so graciously been given.

For example.  I made Sunday my biotch.  I totally rocked it. 

Want details? {Well, even if you don’t.  I haz them.}

• I got up super early for church and had the whole family fed, dressed and out the door.  More importantly, and noteworthy – we were ON time people! {Crazy, I know.}
• Then, I came home and fed the kids lunch, put the baby down for a nap, and went outside {which in Southwest Ohio in August is the equivalent to the surface of the effing SUN} and pulled weeds out of the front, side and back gardens.  And then? Oh, no.  I wasn’t done.  I proceeded to water all three beds as well.  {Forcing myself NOT to spray my face in the process.}
• And, just when you thought I was done,  I went back inside and cleaned all THREE of our bathrooms,  folded a load of laundry and then…You know what my crazy ass did?  I did a cross-fit workout for 45 minutes.  Half of which was back outside on the SUN.  Ya know?
• Afterwards,  I came inside,  washed dishes, folded and put away a load of laundry,  got a shower,  came downstairs and started dinner and fed the kids.  And, while dinner was cooking I packed all the lunches for Monday and then?  I EFFING BAKED!  Seriously,  I’m not on drugs.  Or diet pills.  This energy is au-naturel.
• By, 6 p.m. we had eaten, the house was full of the scent of fresh baked  chocolate chip cookies, the kids were in the bath and I was in my pj’s.  PAJAMAS! 
• And the rest of  the night I played and read with my children until bed time.

Hello, Sunday.  I totally ruled you.

But,  in the face of all of these good changes, I am beginning to notice things.  Strange things like the more I succeed in this journey,  the more my loving, doting, husband wants to jump my freakin’ bones.

{You heard me right.}  Ladies, this living intentionally thing has gotten out of farking control quickly.  Suddenly,  mister is pouncing me like a 15 year old school kid on the daily, yo.  ON. THE. DAILY.

Is my  body letting off some strange come eff me scent or…WTF is going on?  Is this how its going to be?  Do I need to plan for this for EVER?  Because even in my best attempts to plan a more intentional day,  I can’t prepare for THIS.

And, more importantly,  if this is how healthy works,  I quit. 

{Hi Mom. }

The boy is officially a second grader. It still seems impossible to me.

I could feel my anxiety rising the night before the first day of school, as I tossed & turned in bed.  And in the morning?  I felt all hurried and behind as we fell subconsciously into our routine again.  It was unfamiliar, yet homey, as we took turns brushing teeth and fixing hair.

His crisp white polo, uniform shorts and bright white shoes were the highlight of the morning, beaming against his tanned summer body.  I knew this would be the last time he looked that prepared all year and I laughed as I caught him wipe his mouth at the table with his fresh, white shirt. 

There was something different about him this year.  Perhaps, it was just the absent wheelchair from the first day of first grade?  But I think it was something more…

This year, I could picture him in 8th grade.  I could see him entering high school.  I found myself imagining him taller than me as I took that picture on our doorstep.  How much longer would he let me do this?   As he rolled his eyes and said “Moooooooomm,” I took shot after shot. 

I tried hard not to let anxiety take over me as I pulled into the school’s parking lot to say goodbye.  This exact routine was often the trigger for my anxiety attacks just one year ago.  He had made it clear before we pulled in that he wanted to walk in alone.  That seems to be ’norm’ these days…

I had to force myself back into the moment, stopping before I went any further,  just trying to live in the moment.

Being intent.

In this moment, my  not-so-little boy was entering 2nd grade.  And, while I ached thinking of the time that was speeding by, I forced myself to thank God for the time that was right now.  I watched as he ran up to the front door,  solidifying his position on independence, space and growth.  And, just when I thought he was going to race inside, he turned around and smiled. 

And mouthed, “I love you.”

I have a feeling I’ll be watching is back a lot in the coming years.  And, I’ll be feeling left behind.   As I battle with myself not to fear the future,  I can’t help but think that time is my only enemy.

But right now?  I am putting enemies aside.  Right now I am focusing on the little boy that looked back. 

I love you too, my sweet baby boy.

Today, I’m blogging about my experience of realizing I couldn’t fight the anxiety & fear surround Post Traumatic Stress alone, at Dr Mommy.   And, while I’m so much further along in my journey,  there is still the constant maintenance that keeps my head above the water. 

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Over the last year I have been through a great deal, I think we can all agree on that.  But recently,  I have started to feel myself come alive again.

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The events that took place, and the thoughts that were written as a result, on Saturday evening were a blessing.  And, they were long overdue.  I have avoided taking a good long look in that mirror for quite some time.   I kept putting off asking myself, “Am I the person I want to be.”  And, it was time…

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I’m not the woman I thought I would be at this age. Have you ever thought about your 17 year old self? I mean really thought about that person.  And what they would have said if you would have asked them to describe themselves at 27? 

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